Patty Griffin is the voice of my life. Her lyrics are amazing and her voice is beautiful. This song is all I need in life. I could listen to this over and over, and it would still make me cry every time. It’s so true to my life and I just wish I could thank her for writing what I could not.
I hate having a conversation with someone in which you ask them a serious question and tell them to be honest, and what they say really hits home. I know that since you asked them to be honest, you should be ready for what they’re going to say, but it never fails that you’re thrown aback by their comments.
Honesty is one of the best qualities to have and I definitely admire it. I try to be honest, but I usually end up lying because that’s all I know how to do. I guess I just don’t want to face the truth that lies in front of me. It’s hard to hear the bad qualities of yourself and it’s even harder to accept them.
I guess one of my problems is just getting jealous of the people who have everything; the looks, intelligence, thriving personality. Those people tend to have everything just fall in their lap or handed to them. A good part of the time, I just want to argue with God and ask why he did this to me. I know I’m selfish and whiny, but it’s true. I feel like good things don’t happen to me and if they do, they don’t last or turn bad in the end. Nothing seems to work out right for me.
I have a loving family and amazing friends, but sometimes I feel like God just looks at me and thinks that’s enough. That I don’t deserve anything else. Maybe He’s right and I don’t deserve anything more. There are people out there that have it much worse than me, but because I can’t think of anything or anyone but myself, I don’t deserve anything extra in my life.
I hate thinking this way, but that’s just the awful way that I am functioned.
I have three or more assignments due by midnight/tomorrow and I have yet to finish any of them. Have I had ample time to finish them? Of course I have. I just have put my time to better use by looking up dumb cat photos and Katy Perry YouTube videos. I have some fascination with Katy Perry. Don’t judge me. She’s highly charismatic and hilarious. And she’s honest and talented. I admire that :D Plus, she’s gorgeous. Just saying.
ANYWAY, my point has been proven that I procrastinate way too much.
I also need to stop complaining out the wazoo. I’m even annoying myself. That’s sad.
More songwriting will probably take place soon. I’m excited and nervous. Oh what a sensation!
Also, I’m getting a Fish Eye Lens. Soon. But I cannot wait to obtain it to take more pictures!!!
Decided on a whim to play my first open mic night tonight. I have never been on stage before, by myself, in my life. But I thought, “What the hay? Why not.” So they call my name and I go up there, shaking a little, definitely and obviously nervous. The stupid guy that owns the restaurant gets on the mic and tells everyone that it’s my first time in front of a crowd (and of course I make a virgin comment out of it in my head), which makes me just want to punch him in the face. Doesn’t he know I’m about to vomit on the people in front of me?
Anyway, so he leaves and I’m standing there, awkwardly talking about absolutely nothing and then start playing the chords. And what happens? Of course the first notes out of my mouth are wrong. Pfffft. You knew that. Then what happens? A wrong chord! Duh.
Long story short, I end up doing pretty well on the chorus, forgot the second verse and just kept playing the chords. The audience cheered me on, I almost vomit and cry at the same time (I’m not an emotion person, but it was about to happen and it was gonna be gross), I skip to the chorus, finish and try to run off stage. The stupid owner stops me and has the freaking crowd cheer for me again, once again reminding them that I had never done this before (douche). This middle aged man(ish) and his wife-thing yell for me to play one more, I laugh and decline by making some dumb comment on the mic, and then ran off stage.
Great experience? I think so.
As I was about to leave, the man and his woman-thing stop me and said that they had wished that I had played another one. I told them that I thought I should just stop while I was ahead because I could hear myself and it didn’t sound pretty. He then continues to tell me that what I hear on the stage isn’t what everyone else hears in the audience. All I could think in my head was, “This man is trying so hard to be sweet and I really appreciate it, but I just don’t want to be here right now. I just want to go throw up, possibly on some baby or something.” However, he proceeds to tell me that he wanted to jump up there and play harmonica with me. He was the first person to make me laugh and smile after that so called ‘performance’. He said he thought I did a great job and to take his word for it because he had been in the music industry for 40 years (country. not my style). He also added that he would buy whatever I recorded. I thought that was sweet, but somehow my brain kept telling me, “He’s drunk. You should probably walk out the door now.” So I told him goodbye and left.
I’ve heard so much crap about how people don’t want me to give up and that I’ll get used to the stage fright. The fact is, I basically felt humiliated and I never want to have that feeling again. I don’t even wanna try.
Maybe I can just write music for other people and get paid for it.